It’s Not Just Hair, It’s Part of My Identity
In the tech world, there’s a lot of talk about “bringing your whole self to work.” We say it like it’s easy or obvious. But what happens when part of that self is suddenly, unavoidably different?
I never thought much about how hair was part of my identity until cancer treatment forced me to face its loss. Now, as a woman working in tech, I see just how deep the pressure runs to look a certain way, and how hard it is to step outside those invisible expectations.
When an Ordinary Day Changes Everything
Earlier this year, I landed in the ER with pain I couldn’t ignore. My gallbladder had to go, and that seemed like the whole story. But the routine scans caught something more: enlarged lymph nodes and odd spots on my spleen. At first, my doctor and I agreed it was probably some after-effect of surgery or illness. To play it safe, I went for a PET scan. I told myself over and over that it couldn’t be more.
That scan told a different story. I can still remember the anxiety as I plugged the details into ChatGPT at 2 A.M. and saw the word “lymphoma” pop up. Even then, I rationalized, I had just recovered from COVID prior to the scan, right? That was probably it.
But it wasn't. The next week a biopsy confirmed I had Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I've rarely felt such anxiety and fear: of sickness, of failing my son, of failing my whole family? How we could possibly keep our family afloat if I lost my insurance? And beneath all those urgent, logical fears was a surprisingly loud worry about losing my hair.
Why Hair Feels So Important
People love to say, “It’s just hair.” But when you’re a woman, especially in a STEM field, hair is never just hair. I’ve spent my career in front of webcams where the default expectation is “camera ready.” For me, feeling polished helps me feel professional and credible, and my hair has been a big part of how I present myself.
Most women in professional spaces know that showing up “put together” is an unspoken requirement. Let your hair look a mess, skip the makeup, and suddenly even a virtual meeting can feel like walking into a room full of judgment. There’s an invisible tax we pay just to be taken seriously, and it often has more to do with looking polished than anything about our technical skills.
Facing Work “Unmasked”
Now, as I prepare for chemo, I realize I’ll lose my hair and, with it, the easy confidence of blending in. I imagine logging into Zoom bald, or in a not-so-subtle wig, and wonder if my colleagues will see me or just my illness. Will they subconsciously see me as less focused or capable? Will I be viewed as the “sick” one to be coddled rather than the professional that wants to be taken seriously?
These possibilities sting, but it’s valid to prepare for and grieve these changes. I know that no-one should be judged by their appearance, yet I also know that we live in a world where how you look affects how you’re treated.
What's helping me cope, and maybe it'll help you too
If you find yourself in a similar situation, here are a few things that might help:
Communicate on your terms: If you’re comfortable with doing so, tell your team what’s going on before your appearance changes. It can help set expectations and reduce awkwardness. But remember, you don't have to tell anyone anything you don't want to.
Experiment with wigs, scarves, or hats: Try different options to see what feels most “you,” and give yourself permission to have fun with it. You don’t have to blend in every day. Personally, I'm trying wigs in hair colors I've always wanted to have, but was too afraid to try.
Ask for what you need: If you need the camera off some days, say so. If you need flexible hours or time for treatment, ask. Most teams are more supportive than you might think.
Reframe “professional”: Your value goes far beyond appearance. Lean on the quality of your work, and let your confidence grow from what you accomplish.
Find your support network: Whether it’s colleagues, friends, or a professional group, talk to people who understand what you’re facing. You’re not alone.
Give yourself grace: There will be days when it feels harder than it should. Be gentle with yourself and recognize that everyone’s comfort with change is a little different.
Losing my hair to save my life is worth it. But I’m not afraid to admit I’m mourning the shift in how I show up at work, and what it means for my sense of self. Maybe, through this, I’ll chip away at the notion that professionalism and “polish” have anything to do with hair or makeup. Maybe logging in as my raw, real self will help others feel they can do the same.
If you’re struggling with your own version of this situation, whether it’s hair, illness, or anything else that shifts you outside the “norm”, know that your worth doesn’t depend on looking a certain way. We’re all bigger than the boxes we’ve been put in. Sometimes, showing up means being exactly who you are, with no filter needed.
